AND THEN, THE WORST THING HAPPENED: NOBODY SHOWED UP – 10/20/17

So, unless you have been living under a rock, (or we just don’t know each other, or you don’t participate in any of the social medias, or you have been busy, or out of town, or at work, or eating a snack) you are aware of a new movement medicine offering that I started last week called MOGA, which stands for Mo’s Yoga.  

FIRST CLASS - Photo credit Maryam Roberts

Our first class took place on 10/10/17, and we had a good size crowd of 19 yogis.  I was thrilled, though I knew that exactly HALF of that number came from one friend, her family and the friends she invited.  I had anticipated that the second class wouldn’t be as well attended - 6 people showed up - and then there was the unexpected and unfortunate venue change I had to manage after the first week.

Class #3: three people showed up, including my roommate, so that doesn’t really count, does it.  I mean, I guess it does kinda count since it was a body I was teaching, but he showed up more for me than for himself.  

And class #4?  Nobody.  Nobody showed up.  Zero attendees.  Nada, nothing, no one.  And I had my 14 year old Sun doing my door and told him he could come up at 7:10.  And at 7:10 he came up, walked straight to me and gave me the warmest, most wonderful hug.  

And you might think that zero attendance would motivate me to re-think whether this is really something that I should be pursuing…I mean, if I was on the outside looking IN, I would certainly wonder whether NOW is the time to throw in the proverbial towel.  But now is NOT the time, my brothers and sisters.  And quite honestly, MOGA has become somewhat of an obsession for me, and the idea of failure doesn’t seem like much of an alternative.  At least not a good one.   Because I think movement medicine is needed right now in our world, in a big, big way.  And, thanks to the few die-hard fans of mine who continue to tell me how much they appreciate what I do, I am not stopping, nope.  Re-tooling, maybe, but I am not stopping.  At least not yet.  Ask me again in a couple of months.

a reminder i wrote on my livingroom chalkboard 3 months before class started.  i mean, i obvs. still AM attached to the result, but think of it more as a *mantra*

Over the past several years, I have developed this theory about LIFE.  And it goes something like this: each and every one of us has a special skill (we may even have MORE than one, but I happen to have one, and that is movement/touch), and our job, our duty, our obligation is to DISCOVER this special skill.  And if we are fortunate enough to have the time, space, patience, fortitude to discover our special skill, then we must offer it to the world.  That’s it, that’s all there is to it - we MUST.  It’s quite simple, but it’s not easy.  Because when one offers themselves up to the world, especially to the world we currently live in, with its negativity, stress, darkness, despair, then we also open ourselves up to *rejection*.  And even though this may not be what is truly happening (the rejection part), I am an adoptee.  And as an adoptee, because I experienced what felt like the ultimate rejection at a time when I didn’t have the words to describe what I was feeling, nor did I have my mother there to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be ok, this is EXACTLY what it feels like in my heart. 

a reminder i wrote on my livingroom chalkboard 2 weeks before class started.

So – I am learning how to take in what feels like rejection, hold it in my heart, and transmute that into something else – determination, drive, joy, even humor.  Because everything IS going to be OK.  I just may need to re-tool just a bit.  Perhaps my target market is off, perhaps my music, perhaps it just needs time.  

The other day, after day #2 when I went crying to a beautifully supportive friend of mine about the difference in class size between the first and the second (little did I know I was in for far greater disappointment) she offered me this from one of her mentors, Tony Robbins: “We overestimate what we can accomplish in one year and underestimate what we can accomplish in five years.”

So yeah...looks like I am taking the long game approach on this one.  Because my goal with this offering is to assist each and every one of my students with moving into FULL EMBODIMENT…that place where we live - and thrive - FULLY in our bodies, staying connected to these vehicles that house our minds and souls.  And full embodiment is our birthright, yet it remains so elusive for many of us.  Especially those of us (like myself) who, as James Joyce says in the opening pages of his short Story A Painful Case:  “Mr. Duffy lived a short distance from his body.”

This was me.  Most of my life.  Until I found yoga.  I came into the practice of yoga when Tre was in my belly.  I stayed for the movement medicine; the new ways I was learning to explore and connect with my physical body, the skills I was developing to help me work with the mind THROUGH the physical body, and I would say that I have the fiercest “monkey mind” of anyone that I know.  And when I practice asana (pose/posture), that monkey mind gets quiet for a bit…and what a relief that is!  Phew, right?!? A little piece of mind, ffs!

I began to take my practice seriously in 2014, and became a teacher in 2015.  And when I found that I was able to assist OTHERS in getting re-connected with their own bodies, my heart began to soften, and soften, and soften.  I mean, that’s really what it’s all about as far as I am concerned – helping others to help themselves.  

So MOGA will be around for a while, and I hope that those of you who have not made their way to a class will eventually make it – and those who have come will come back, again and again.  Because I guarantee you, re-connecting with your body will be the best thing you ever did for yourself.  The best.  

MOVEMENT IS MEDICINE.  Dose up…over and over and over again.  

OAKLAND'S BEAUTIFUL DRUM CIRCLE - 10/1/17

So if a video of today's drum circle near the pillars of Lake Merrit somehow manages to make its way onto the interwebs, and you see the beautiful dance circle inside the drum circle, made of up 5 beautiful women, of all varying shades of beautiful color....you can totally pick me out - as the dancer who is...just slightly off.  most of the time.  every once in a while I'M ON! and then...i'm off again.

And its not because I CAN'T dance.  Really, its not.  You should see me when i'm in my "element" i'm fierce, trust me.  I'm even developing my own style of dance called "Nefertiting" (after the Egyptian queen Nefertiti). Just ask the 14 year old son...he will vouch for me.

Actually, don't ask him.  He's not *fully sold* on this idea yet.  Right now he doesn't like it at all.

Let's just say...you could call me the classic case of the person who is (most) often found "dancing to the beat of my own drum."

me dancing "to the beat of my own drum".

me dancing to the "beat of my own drum" while my brother and sister look on, with obvious envy and jealousy. 

 

me dancing to "the beat of my own drum" while sibling gets increasingly jealous (or bored) and goes to read a book.

So let me now provide you with a little bit of context about why it was ME who was that lone dancer today, who just "couldn't quite get with the program" the other beautiful sisters were laying down: you see - I am more of a free-styler (you couldn't tell that from all of the preceding evidence i have provided, could you?) and THIS today was West African dance.  Which has a very specific style, with very specific moves and sequences. And rules.   I will try and paraphrase those rules for you now...of course, through my own personal lens, which obvs. has an impact on my interpretation of said rules, but what the hell, gotta start from somewhere.  For example, there is the traditional formation of all of the dancers in a moving circle, all of the dancers "falling in line" in beautiful formation, imitating the move that "the leader" is currently doing, whomever that leader may currently be.  Because i am pretty certain that the "leader" is supposed to trade off...like everyone is supposed to get a turn to pick a move.  Which sounds a lot like how we used to do it in elementary school.  Except in THIS case, it is important to know the basic styles/movements of West African dance.  And do them.  Which i don't.  Either one of those.  Perhaps some of the very basic ones, and i am better at the few i DO know when I get to pick and choose when my body does them.  But when someone ELSE is choosing when and how the moves are done, and for how long, and i am already a bit shaky (for various and layered reasons), well that's where things tend to get a bit dicey.  Especially when it's "my turn" to lead.   Or at least, when i "think" its my turn.  Today, there were several occasions when i thought it was "my turn" to lead, but nobody else followed me, so obviously i mis-judged that...over and over and over again.  And also because none of the moves i did were in anybody's lexicon of acceptable moves to have the group follow, i suppose.  Like i said, i am quite certain that those have already been decided in advance.

And then, smack dab in the middle of "i don't belong here right now", is the opportunity, in this particular West African dance tradition, there is a designated time and a place, for each dancer to shine all on her own..to do her "own thing."  One by one, each dancer makes their way to the center of the circle and gets her turn to show off her special dance to an appreciating audience of drummers and spectators (and by now that spectator circle has grown quite large).

So - you would naturally assume the that THIS PART wouldn't be a problem for me, right?  You would think that THIS PART would be the part that i was really looking forward to, after having had to endure the painful art of following the group through a series of moves that are not familiar to me.  

And if you would have thought that, you would have been wrong.  Because NOW, now that I have had my confidence shaken to its very core...there's not a snowballs chance in Hades (or any other extremely uncomfortable situation) that my body is just going to STOP listening to the myriad of  haywire signals my brain has been sending to it (yes i'm pretty much having an out-of-body experience at this point), and start listening to itself and just "do its own thing".  No way. No. Way.

In this sacred circle, somehow - i  have allowed myself to be taken out of my own groove, and am having a really difficult time getting the needle to stay steady, or to re-thread properly....so i can patch the whole and pull my pants back up.

And then finally, mercifully, the circle of dancers breaks up, setting all of us free to express ourselves however we choose, but i'm afraid today's damage has been done...in front of what was quite a substantial crowd, with several active cameras and videos recording this indigenous ritual of the drum circle.

Where the drummers inspire the dancers...but it's really the dancers inspiring the drum - imho. 

 So it's been catalogued, yeah.   

And as much as i know that when i enter the dance circle, I'm heading straight into the "belly of the beast" that beast being the public exposition all of my inner demons and insecurities about being "the worst" dancer in the room (which was often the case in my teens and 20's when i would go out dancing with my black girlfriends),  I still keep pushing myself to participate.  Just participate.  Because that's the only way i am ever going to learn.  That's the only way i'm gonna get to "belong", to feel like i belong, in that circle, with those other women.

And how i desperately "want" to belong to that circle...I want to show them that i, too, can play this game.  That i'm not some, some "interloper", or worse, some "imposter" in their game.  This, even as i remember the role i have played in this particular game all of my life.  And then, that added to the fact that i am just not a natural "follower".  That's probably why i am terrified of salsa dancing.   You reeeeeallllyyyy need to let go, trust, and learn how to follow.

Nor would i say that I am a natural "leader", though i have been told this before...mostly in school, where i tended to lead the pack in this type of easily-codified performance exercise.  I could outshine the *best* of them just by memorizing a few lines.  Then dumping those lines to make space for the the new ones.

I would say now that I prefer just to "do my own thing", which i can fairly guess is a product of the chameleon-like skill set i have developed living as a bi-racial person in an increasingly black and white world.  At least on its surface.

Bi-racial people are the perfect example of that common, old adage about life never being just "black and white", though it often appears as such.  It's shades of grey.  And, if you're paying close, close attention, ever-rich and colorful shades of gray...subtle shades, too.

So I will keep pushing myself up towards the edge of that dance circle - testing my strength, mustering all of my courage - knowing that all i ever have to do to belong is tap into the awareness that the fastest and most direct route to that place is in the letting go of, over and over and over again, the conscious effort of "getting there".

Because I'm already there, there, right?!?  Isn't this what I have been told/have read by some very smart ppl on a number of occasions?  Why the f#ck cant i seem to get this particular lesson?

I NEED ANSWERS, PPL!!!

I already belong.  And i also dance to the beat of my own drum.  And, as i continue to shed the idea that I will ever dance "as good as" her, or her, or him, it is THEN and ONLY THEN that I will truly find my own phenomenal dance.

I'm getting there.

Plus i need to take some West African dance classes.  Just being able to keep up would be nice.

update 10/2/17: i have just woken up at 5.m. the next morning thinking about all of the West African dances i didn't do yesterday. :o/