Let’s Do Platinum!: A Retrospective

I have been a bit out of sorts lately.  What, with a recent difficult breakup, a prepubescent adolescent child who feels things deeply and is literally SICK of school (and so am I, to be honest) and aging, of course.  There’s always aging.  

So I have ended up in the Oakland Rose Garden this afternoon and I feel so fortunate to be here, as I work through this current blast of relationship fuckery towards the promise of relationships..the union, the coming back together that is so very pleasant.  Soooooo….like coming home. again.  

I brought back some photos to share that I took with my hooptie phone:

A rose, with me n my shadow in the background

New Henna

Relationship: the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected

Connected:  joined or linked together

 

I recently had a chit-chat with one of my friends and said that it must be “time for me to go inward” for a while and recharge.  His response was to nod in agreement and reply “You need to retreat.”  To which  I became immediately offended and annoyed by the simplicity of his suggestion that a “retreat” (mind you, I was thinking of one of the retreats my organization gives, one where you have to eventually come back and face what you left) was the boon to all my little "petty-crime" problems…AS. IF!  I later realized that he meant it was time to “retreat” into self.  And I had to go all G.I. Jane on him, for which I later apologized.  He, of course, had moved on hours ago.  No big. 

So yes, inward was the way!  To which some wise-ass 30-something-show-off-aspect-of-self replied, “Yeah!  And lets take this ish off the CHI-zain before we make this inward journey…lets go platinum afro!"

“Oh, I don’t know about that, said my stylist,” grabbing her chin and pursing her lips.  That might make you look, well, a bit cartooney."  Well, shucks, I though, i've done this platinum thing before, just much, much shorter (and  much younger, too). How bad could it look?

Ohhhhhh…I feel so badly for those in our society who rely on their “looks” for their livelihood.  If there is one thing that we know about our bodies is that we are aging  from the time we are born and will eventually decompose.  We are obsessed and mezmerized by what our eyes can see, which, when combined with an extremely warped beauty myth, can spit out some pretty scary images for us women to "model." 

The poor folks who work in the business get the message that they are of little use once their outer shell gets a bit dented up.  Matter of fact, once that happens, its perfectly acceptable (almost a requirement) to roast them over a spitfire, because, after all, they deserve our wrath, right?!  They were just too damn pretty.  I wonder now, what the hell is the pull towards fame all about?  Who would willingly subject themselves to the spitfire, knowing what we know now about how the “cult of celebrity” destroys lives and minds and hearts. 

I have never been comfortable with how I looked, so I was so lucky not to have to rely on my looks for attention.  I have made some progress towards peace with my looks.  Sometimes now, I can catch glimpses of myself and see the MILF smiling back at me with her lips curled in a knowing smile.  This is definitely NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES.   I feel as though my skin is peeling off, exposing new, tender skin that is just not quite ready yet and is prone to damage if exposed to the light prematurely.  Well, anybody would feel that way if early reviews on your “new do” went something like this:

“Your skin looks orange, Dude!” - anonymous

“Oh no, you look like you lost your black!” – anonymous

"You kinda look like an alien." - anonymous

 

Ouch.  And yet another way the Ritz Kracka in me has shown through...literally - I seem to have taken on its orangish tint.  Its really NOT tan, is it?!

Yesterday, I took so many selfies, trying to find just the right angle, just the right lighting, the right expression.  And the harder i tried, the more absurd things became.  You see, I'm the girl who looks at photos of herself and says "Oh Wow - do I really look like that in real life?"  Seriously, I look in the mirror every day and see a far more attractive person than the 100's of selfies i took yesterday trying to capture "it."  I think the photos below were the best of the bunch.  And its lighting....its all lighting.  Dont ask me why im nekkid in photo 2.  Its a long story.

Nope, it was never my looks.  I was the smart one.  Once someone asked me whether I wanted to be Bart or Lisa (Simpson, and I wish I didn't have to say that).  And it was Lisa, of course.  The smart one, the responsible one, the one with good morals, who’s constantly getting her family out of trouble.  Well, technically I think that’s Maggie job, but - tangential.  And, Tre, who is steady invading my personal space right now has just informed me of the following: 

Actually, mom, its much better to be Bart because you get a skateboard and a slingshot and that looks hella cool!

Of course, there was and still IS a part of me that wants to be Bart too!  I wanna look hella cool whilst riding a skateboard and causing a great deal of mayem!  I wanna make people laugh and smile and remind folks not to take themselves so seriously ! I wanna be almost expelled and still know that I got the upper hand on the establishment.  But – there is also this: being Bart is heavy!  If there is one thing I have learned from this new-do, its this: there is a fine line between cutting edge material and buffoonery!  Lets face it, nobody wants to be a caricature or a parody of themselves. Bart walks this tightrope well. 

So is it possible that I am now shapeshifting into a brand new role?  That of funny wo(man)?  Am I beginning to embody that part of me?  Am i taking this risk right now? As it happens, my Son told me the other day that I have gotten funnier as of late.  Its true!  And I feel the funny more in life too, along with the tragedy.  So - funny or smart.  Smart or funny. Or both. Or Neither.  Its like a check the box and I can be:

• Smart
• Funny
• Neither
• ALL, or even
• Al 
  

                   I choose Al.  Always I choose Al.

The Report's First Art Installation

My mid-year “Word of the Year” review

I just know that there were more than a couple of you wise folks out there, who, upon discovering that I had taken on “authenticity” as my word of the year cringed just a wee bit.  You then felt an all-encompassing compassion for me and silently wished me the best.  Which is the same thing I would do if the tables were turned. 

The thing about putting out such a loaded, subjective, and impossible-to-achieve intention as “authenticity” is that, well, it’s daaaaangerous waters.   Because a funny thing happens when one decides to claim something as bold and rare as authenticity: people really begin to listen (I mean, who doesn’t want to be their authentic selves – ALWAYS - without having to overthink it…which, of course is the OPPOSITE of authenticity).

And, not only do people begin to listen, but they also begin to project.  That is to say, they project their own inauthenticity onto you because they are now questioning their own.  So what I have invited into my life is a reflection of my own behavior in the behavior of others.  And with that, there are multitude of images staring back at me, images that don’t belong to me, but it is difficult for me to sort out those energies that I am responsible for and those I am not. 

The point is, I did not realize what a massive undertaking this WOTY (word of the year) would be – perhaps had I known, I would have chosen another word.  But the thing about the WOTY is this: IT CHOOSES YOU, for better or worse, so your WOTY is no mistake.  And, to be fair to my word, I have indeed learned a lot this year, most importantly about the ways in which the ego can easily slip-slide into inauthenticity, disguised as something else.  I have also learned some new ways to recognize when this is happening so I can decide whether I am gonna DO something about it - or whether I can do something about it – or whether…just maybe…the inauthenticity I am feeling is not my own. 

It’s a tricky business, this getting to “know thyself.”  And since I still have over 6 months left on this word before it expires, I best just buckle up, remember to breathe, and pray. 

L’chaim!

xo

maureen

 

F.E.A.R.

False Evidence Appearing Real?  I think not. 

And that has become a very popular internet meme as of late and whenever I see it, it bothers me ever so slightly…like the feeling you get when someone is trying to sell you something for no other reason than to further their own agenda.  I am very familiar with that particular feeling and can feel it from great distances. 

  

False Evidence Appearing Real.  First of all, this acronym is waaaaaaay to simplistic when it comes to my experience of fear.  There are many reasons why I feel fear.  Most often, I will experience fear when I feel or perceive that something or someone is threatening me.  Certainly some of the fear I experience is unfounded, exaggerated for one reason or another, and, if not checked and dealt with quickly, can tend to grow into something super-difficult to dismantle, like paranoia.  But in many other ways, my experience of fear is real, it is necessary, and it can work in my favor.   If I am able to hold tight, nailed to the spot, I receive the gift of courage.  And I really think that courage begets courage.   

I am back into the book “When Things Fall Apart,” by Pema Chodron.  This is one of my go-to books, so please don’t worry too much about my state of be-ing just because its in my repertoire at the moment.  Things are not actually “falling apart” around me, at least not in a way that I feel I cannot manage.  I have just found this lovely gem of a book to be extremely helpful when I find myself in particularly challenging times. 

A few passages from the first chapter titled “Intimacy with Fear:”

"Fear is a universal experience….It’s not a terrible thing that we feel fear when faced with the unknown.  It is part of being alive, something we all share...Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth."

"What we’re talking about is getting to know fear, becoming familiar with fear, looking it right in the eye – not was a way to solve problems, but as a complete undoing of old ways of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and thinking.  The truth is that when we really begin to do this, we’re going to be continually humbled.  There’s not going to be much room for the arrogance that holding on to ideals can bring.  The arrogance that inevitably does arise is going to be continually shot down by our own courage to step forward a little further."

-     (from a student) “Buddha nature, cleverly disguised as fear, kicks our ass into being receptive.”

So perhaps fear is kind of like stress – a little bit of it is actually helpful and helps you grow in ways you might not have otherwise.  Too much fear can be harmful….very, very harmful.  Believe me – I know.  I gots stories, lots n lots of stories…

False Evidence Appearing Real.  Perhaps there is a truth to this at the most essential level of my be-ing.  I have heard (or read) that no-thing “real” can ever be destroyed.  And it is true that my essence – pure energy – can neither be created nor destroyed.  In my daily walks through life though, in this-here body on this-here third dimension, my feelings of fear are as real and as worthy of my attention, respect and inquiry as my feelings of love.  

“Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over again to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.”

             - Pema Chodron

 

THE GUEST HOUSE

THE GUEST HOUSE
	This being human is a guest house.
	Every morning a new arrival.
	A joy, a depression, a meanness,
	some momentary awareness comes
	as an unexpected visitor.
	Welcome and entertain them all!
	Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
	who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,
	still, treat each guest honorably.
	He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
	The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
	meet them at the door laughing,
	and invite them in.
	Be grateful for whatever comes,
	because each has been sent
	as a guide from beyond. -Rumi