“Spring Cleaning 2015” - A candid conversation with My Inner Critic (I.C.)

I.C. WTF are you doing?

me: spring cleaning.

I.C. No you’re not.          

 

me: what do you mean I’m not?

I.C. You’re cleaning baseboards.

me: well, people clean baseboards during a spring cleaning. 

I.C. Since when have YOU cleaned baseboards? In the 10, going on 11 years you have resided here?

me: OK mom’s coming to visit next week.

I.C. Hmph.  It's gonna take a lot more than clean baseboards to convince your mom you're not living in filth, darlin'.

Me: lol. :o(

I.C. Anyway, you know your mother tells you, time and time again, she does not give any fucks about how filthy you live. 

Me: I know, I know she SAYS that, but you should see HER house!  I mean, my GOD, the pressure!  THE  PRESSURE!!!  it would crack even the heartiest of eggshells!!!

I.C. OK, OK calm down now, jeezus, no need getting your grannies up in a bunch. You tend to be a gripper, you know. 

Me: yeah, well, sometimes you just lay it on so goddamn THICK!  I mean, anybody would crack under the pressure!!!

I.C. no. just you. 

Me: I’m just asking you, please, just ease up teensy-weensy bit, willya?!?

I.C. le sigh….

Me: I mean you can be soooooo goddamn dramatic!  

I.C. You’re doing a good job, by the way.  You’re momma’s gonna be proud of you.  

Me: awwwwww!  thank you!  who needs a hug?

I.C. don't go there. 

"RAGE"

I call Tre at his dad's today to see how he is feeling after being sick for the last couple of weeks.  He says that he feels fine, but I sense something else in his voice.  So I ask:

“What’s up?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing? C’mon, I hear something else, what is it?”

After a bit of back of forth in which he assures me that he does not want to talk about it because he “doesn’t want to” he finally lands on “rage.”

“Rage?” I repeat. 

“Minecraft.” He says. 

“Oh, you’re gaming. “ I say. 

“Mhmm.” He says. 

“And you're raging.”

“Mhhm”

“At your friends.”

“Mhhm.”

“And what are they doing? How are they responding back?” I query.

“Well, they’re just defending themselves.”

“Oh, well, right,” I say to him, in complete understanding.  “I mean, anyone would, right?”

“Mhhm” says Tre.

“I feel you.” I say.

And then I remember my own recent incidents of expressed rage directed AT the child and I say “and you’ve seen me rage, haven’t you?”

HALLOWEEN - 2010 - I can be pretty scary....

Mhhm” says Tre.

“Yep” I offer, “I feel you.”

And I did.  And I do.

Check please.  

"The Facade" - 030515

I developed this persona.  This sharp-as-a-tack “I can do anything BETTER than YOU!”

and I had the grades and credentials to prove it.

Then, as the façade began to crumble and the cracks began to let the insides do their show, the persona I had so meticulously developed worked overtime to protect itself.  To no avail.  The cracks continued to open up at just the mere pressure of it!

“I'M MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE! The pressure shouts as it mounts.

What does surrender look like? I don’t know. 

What does surrender feel like? I don’t know.

But I suppose if this thing is gonna blow anyway (it was designed to give birth) there are some tools in my tool box that I could remember to use, now and again.  For example, to name a few:

•  Relax into it, i.e. just try and keep breathing!
•  Get your team ready. Nobody lives in a vacuum.  People need people.  Duh. 
•  Know that there is something soooooo beautiful at the end of it! 
•  And so on and so forth. 
•  And remember: it’s YOUR dream.  Nobody else’s - they have their own, thank you very much.  And if they don’t have one, they need to get one. 

CHANGE - 021215

Earlier this year, i wrote on the FaceBook about how, after reading the following quote from one of my fave American Buddhists Pema Chodron,  i would sit with her quote (whilst practicing my various neuroses) and "await further instructions:"
  
"The problem is that the desire to change is fundamentally a form of aggression toward yourself. The other problem is that our hang-ups, unfortunately or fortunately, contain our wealth. Our neurosis and our wisdom are made out of the same material. If you throw out your neurosis, you also throw out your wisdom."

Well, Ladeez n Gentlemenz, The Ritz Report is proud to...um..."Report" that I have received those further instructions!  And i am going to reveal those instructions right here, right now.

As follows:

#impermanence

as in, "to change"

as in, "nothing lasts forever"

as in, "this, too, shall pass"

as in, "to swing"
(wait...that last one is a line from my favorite all-time movie, "Raising Arizona".  sorry.  :o)

Now, I know this might seem rather fundamental to some folks.  But for a person such as myself, who as James Joyce famously wrote, has "lived a short distance from her body" most of her life, the realization that what i seem to "want" (change) and what just happens, regardless of how i do or do not decide to meddle, ARE THE SAME GODDAMN THING is nothing short of a miracle! Holy Jeebus!  Eureka!

Think about the last time you can remember thinking, saying, or writing "I want this thing to change and that thing to change...."   Well, trust me, have some patience and give it some time and both this thing and that thing will indeed have changed.

Will the change be how you envisioned it?  Will it be the change you "wanted?"  Maybe it will, maybe it won't.  My point is this: "wanting" something that is clearly already there, in some form or another, seems absolutely ludicrous to me, a COMPLETE waste of my precious time.

Which, by the way, is now worth a whopping $108 per hour at the moment, yet I still manage to be broke.

Stay tuned for my 2014 year-end financial write-up, titled:

 

"But I made $80,000 last year...how the F@CK could I be $2K broker than I was last January???"

which, of course, is a follow-up to my earlier blog titled "But I make $100 per hour...how the F@CK can I be broke?"

Gather 'round children...Economics 101...klass iz IN. and it 'aint fizziks. :o)

xo
ritz

  

OUT: Duck-face IN: Surprise-face

I was listening to my morning radio show during the drive to the Sun's school the other day and there was a snippet about the "New Look."


Word on the street is that "duck-face," or duck lips (see photo on left) is officially OUT. Now IN is "surprise-face."

Apparently, surprise-face makes your eyes look larger and also elongates your face, giving one a slimmer and (of course) more attractive look.

The other day I was touching up my blue-hair and had some time to kill, so I thought I would try out this new look.



The results are, in a word, horrifying.  Not to mention, this look does NOTHING for my appearance AT ALL.  I'm sticking with what works.

Is THIS Why I’m Still Single? 1/21/15

I had been bragging all week last week about how I had a “meet-and-greet” date on Saturday.  Wow did I count MY chickens too soon.

It was not until the next day when I checked in with a male friend of mine and got smacked up-side of the head with a very real “Oh yeah, he’s not gonna call” did it dawn on me that perhaps the reason why I am single has something to do with my approach.  Seriously?

The “offending” text between me and potential suitor three days prior to our “meet and greet:”

He: Hi Maureen. 

Me: Is this Gr@g?  I had been anticipating a telephone call…

(we had scheduled the date via the dating app and i had requested that he give me a telephone call prior to our date. this is just something i do.)

 

He: Yes, it is. 

Me: So, um.  Is this text in place of or in addition to a telephone call?

He: In addition to.

Me: Yeeeeeeee-Hawwwwwwww! Can we talk later on then?

He: Yes.

(forgive me here, dear reader, but if you are going to begin what was supposed to be a telephone conversation with a text, then you had better keep up your end of the conversation...ahem.)

Me: (several minutes later) Man of few words, you are -

He: Sorry, its been a long day. 

(he obvs. missed my clever Yoda reference)

Me: Well, we can keep it virtual tonight if that works better for you.  Just keep in mind that i'm going to need you to add a little more ‘flair’ to your texts.

...

Crickets.  He obvs. didn’t catch my clever “Office  Space” reference.  

Me: OK, ok, I will dial it down a notch.  

...

Nada. 

A couple of hours later, I showed the offending text thread to the Sun.

He stared at the phone for a few moments and then started to shake his head, slowly back and forth. 

“Mom.  Do you want me to fix this train wreck?”

“Yes, Tre!  What happened?  What should I do?"

He looks at the phone again. 

“well, um.  Have you called him yet?"

What a novel idea.  Calling someone.  :o/

I showed the offending thread to my male office-mate the next morning.

“Yeah, Maureen, um…he’s not gonna call.”

I get it.  I really do.  Way too much.  Here’s the rub:  I’m at a stage where I could give two fucks really, that my *special* brand of humor does not translate well. ..and in particular with a total stranger,  who whimped out of a real-time interaction in favor of a virtual one.

And THIS, my friends, is why, at age 46, I am still single.

signing off on a friday night, 10:06 p.m. PST fresh from my 3rd viewing of "Bridesmaids."

meatz 'n cheezes.  

1/3/2015 – The Marriage of Me and Me.

So I did it – on the eve of the Full Moon.  I got married.  To me.

My vows? Well, i began stressing about these - like clockwork - the night before the big day!  I wanted everything to be perfect.  I mean, I’m only gonna marry myself ONCE in my lifetime (hopefully!).  Then I remembered: the love letter I wrote to myself on my 33rd birthday, 2001, when I had left my husband.  Perfect.   

May 4^th, 2001

My Dearest Maureen –

It has been too long, far too long since I have written to you.  Since I have expressed my truest, deepest feelings of love towards you.  I promise not to let time slip by like that again.  You are far too special, far too precious to me.   

From the deepest part of my soul grows the love I feel for you.  I feel it in my toes spread upwards until it engulfs my entire body.   Your eyes, lips, caramel-colored skin all beam, shine lightness and beauty.  A beauty that I have never witnessed before.  A beauty so soft, pure, and warm that it fills my heart with joy.   

You are the great beauty I have wished for my entire life.  You make my life so complete, so whole.  To lose you would be to lose myself…an experience I have gone through before in my lifetime.  An experience that is so painful, I would not wish it on my least favorite person.

Yes, my dear Maureen, we have had our turbulent times, our ups and downs, our trials and tribulations.  Through it all, I have held you deep in my heart.  For I know that you are a precious gift to me.  I only hope, Maureen, that I have done the same for you.

Maureen, it hurts me deeply to see you hurt, to see you cry, fret, struggle.  When I look at you, I see all the beauty, joy, compassion, love, emanating from your golden aura.  I only wish I had the power to reflect back my image onto you.  To allow you to see what I see.  If only you were able to catch one glimpse of yourself from my eyes, I am certain that all the doubts, feats, insecurities you carry about yourself would melt away, like the first snow on a warm fall day.  

On the Eve of my wedding, the moon from my back porch, Oakland, CA.

Maureen, my darling, I want to dance with you through the meadows on a golden afternoon.  I want to stroll along the beach, nude, with the warm sun baking our bodies.  I want to hug you on your 90^th birthday! 

I am so honored to be in your life.  To share with you your hopes, dreams, fears and pleasures.  Please be a part of my life, for now and always.  You have my heart. 

                                Forever yours,

                               

                                Maureen 

Whole-y Matrimony - 1/3/2015