“Going Vegan (Ice Cream)” - 042316

When I saw my body worker last week, he told me that I needed to eat less protein.  I was puzzled at first, because I really have not been eating a whole lot of anything lately, but specifically in the protein family.   As I was pondering what in my diet might be the culprit, he asked about dairy, and the first thing that came to mind was cheese.  Which I absolutely love – all kinds of cheeses.  And as my body worker was going on and on about how the vegan cheeses are so fabulous these days, he also threw in a plug for the delicious vegan ice creams as well.

And, as I was walking away from his office, mentally calculating the very tiny amount of cheese I have actually had over the past, say, month since I saw him last, I thought about my ice cream consumption, and the teensy Ben and Jerry’s habit I have developed over the past, say, lifetime, which has gotten super bad over the last couple of months.  At least every other day, which means sometimes I can do a seven day run before realizing I need to pump the brakes.  

And when I relayed this story to a friend, she commented that “It’s also a shit-ton of sugar.” So before any of you get the idea to go lecturing me on the shit-ton of sugar I am ingesting, know this: I am completely aware of my sugar habit (awareness is the first step), and trust me when I tell you that I have chosen my current addictions very carefully, and sugar is well aware that she needs a bitch slap. 

But sugar is gonna have to take a back seat to dairy, because I really need to try and eliminate it.  I love it so much, but it really is quite nasty stuff when you think about it….let’s just not. 

So on this week’s trip to the grocery store, instead of purchasing Ben N Jerry’s Ice cream, it took me only 10 minutes of staring woefully at the -epressingly named and limited number of dairy-free options, before selecting the cheapest and yummiest-sounding option, Ben N Jerry’s Chocolate Brownie Non-Dairy Ice Cream.  And right next to it was a tub of “Suzanne's Ricemallow Creme, so I threw that in the cart as well.  Because I needed more sugary vegan stuff.  

I mean, what was I expecting, really?!?  Vegan marshmallow cream doesn’t even sound right, and I should have taken a hint from the 1950’s- era packaging on the yogurt-shaped container.   I peel off the plastic lid, and - the presentation is not promising: there is a *surface* on the thing, if you know what I mean.  Semi-put off now, but not deterred, I scrape the surface off into the sink, and am confused and slightly frightened by the texture.  Slightly deterred now, I dip my spoon in and come out with the smallest bit of goop.  I touch the spoon to my tongue.  

Ewwwwwwwwww.   So. disgusting.  It should be illegal to sell this caustic crap.  

So currently, I 'm nursing my bowl of Ben n Jerry’s Vegan Ice Cream , and as my mind started to turn to thoughts of how disgusting dairy really is, I look down at my bowl of  ice cream…and realize, no need to gross out…I’m eating vegan!  

Which even Tommi the cat has just sniffed, sampled and rejected.   

This is really gonna suck.

“Just a Note…” - e-mail from My Birthmother – 2/14/16

Valentine's Day, 2016

Talk about your rough “re-entries”! 

Last week, fresh from my 7-day, 6 night yoga retreat in glorious Yelapa, Mexico, high off of fresh saltwater air, too much sun and no responsibility, other than to show up for yoga (and you didn't even have to do that if you couldn't be bothered), not only did I succumb to a bacterial infection in my va-jeene caused by the use of Poise Supressa Bladder Supports, but I proceeded to move way too fast throughout the first several days back (in a gallant attempt to make up for *lost* time, I suppose?), and sliced my hand open trying to get dishes put away too quickly. 

When I ended up in the emergency room the same exact day I was there to receive my ultra dose of ultra antibiotics, I asked the ER nurse whether, if I was admitted and didn’t end up needing stitches, did the meter start running on my hospital bill?  I have a very unforgiving self-employment health insurance plan with a $2K co-pay and am already in dispute with Blue Shield for a $2k co-pay for an ER visit in late 2015, so I wasn't about to rack up a second emergency room bill.  

After super-gluing the skin together, i rustled up a codeine tablet (leftover from the ER visit in 2015), cried myself to sleep and vowed NEVER, EVER to retreat from life again.  At least not without a plan.

Later the next day, nursing my hand and my crushed fantasies of a life lived in leisure and comfort, I received this e-mail from my birthmother, and was brought to tears.  Thank you, (insert birthmom’s government name here) – it was so nice to hear that someone out there thinks I am a gift. 

"Dear Maureen--

Been spending some time catching up on facebook and your ritz cracka blog in particular. I choose not to have a PC at home so in my bi-weekly trips to town when I can spend some time on the library computer I fall way behind. Now my neighbor is out of town and I am house/cat sitting. She has a computer so I am catching up (sort of). Laughed myself silly reading about your experiment with the new bladder control product and especially your conversation with your doctor. Your writing is very captivating and so funny.  And touching.  I laugh and I cry. Can’t say too many writers have that emotional effect on me. Maybe cause you are my daughter? Anyway it is after midnight. I am getting tired.  Dorabelle--my little kitty-charge would probably like a little cuddling and I still want to find a fish recipe for tomorrow's dinner. Just wanted to drop a line to say hi and let you know how wonderful it is for me to read your stories.

I  will try to read back through all your ritz cracka' blogs. Thanks for being so open. I so love that about you.

 In my thoughts all the time (and hoping that infection has cleared up)

 Keep writing. It is a gift. You are a gift."

(obviously i will need to school her on the importance of the use of the letter "k" in "kracka.")

VIP UPDATE VIP UPDATE VIP UPDATE on The Ritz Report’s FIRST EVER Product Review: Poise Impressa “Bladder Supports“ – 01/28/16

For those of you who missed my VERY EXCLUSIVE FIRST EVER Product Review on Poise Impressa Bladder Supports, I have an extremely important update you will not want to miss…especially if you were considering trying the supports on yourself.  I recommend that you don't.

"FLAGYL"

Please read on and discover how yours truly, in an act of selfless concern for today's humanity, donated the use of my very own body to science in a non-commercial-privately-funded trial of Poise Impressa Bladder supports.  It was - initially - a very exciting prospect - the idea that there could be a far, far better, sleeker option for bladder-leakeage sufferers, as compared to the current competitors on the market: pee pads and adult diapers. 

Two weeks after my trial ended, I am now nursing a case of Bacterial Vaginosis - with the super-antibiotic Flagyl...the likes of which i haven't seen since my college college days in the hot Arizona sun running competitive track and field in 120 degree heat - and spandex.

I knew something wasn’t quite right with my va-jay-jay after my trial with the bladder supports for a couple of reasons: I had some slight cramping, and then A couple of days later …there was that peculiar, yet very familiar, um. smell.   

You know the one, ladies!  Most of us have had this very common vaginal infection at some point in our lives, and those of you who have NEVER had it,  well then, you should be donating your body to science!  Briefly, bacterial vaginosis results from when you eff up the normal pH balance in your va-jeene.  This can be accomplished in a number of ways, tampons, sex, and apparently bladder supports.  Your va-jeene responds to this foreign object by trying to balance the *imbalance* by growing bad, smelly bacteria, that must be destroyed by powerful antibiotics, such as the tried, true and tested Flagyl.  Even the name *Flyagl* is gross because its name alludes to what the medicine is killing: the nasty, smelly bacterias,who have taken up residence in your tender bits…and they have little flagella - whip-like tails, that allow for mobility.  Ewwwwww.

So what did I do when i had the thought that - just maybe - i had upset the pH balance in my vagina just a wee bit?  Weeeeelllll, there was no discharge, there was no associated pain, I am not currently having *intimate relations* so yeah, i didn't put a rush on it.  Instead, i (temporarily) talked myself into the idea that perhaps it would *clear up* on its own, when i went on my yoga retreat (three days later) and got really, really healthy all of a sudden from all the great food!  Or perhaps, I was just freaking out and it wasn’t anything at all (that actually happened at my last annual exam, where I thought there was something, and it was nothing), or maybe it HAD cleared up that time. 

And then, first day in Mexico, my period arrives (lol god) and now,  here it is a week later and I have an actual date this afternoon, and i'm thinking…I gottta get this checked out!

So I go in today, and begin to tell Dr. Wu the story of Poise Impressa, and he interrupts me and says, “Just tell me when the smell started.”

Me: About two weeks ago, when I tried this new product…called “Poise Impressa Bladder Supports.” It looks like a big tampon that you put inside that rests against your bladder and stops leaks and…

Dr. Wu: Well, I mean now, common sense, you shouldn’t be using anything up there that may cause an imbalance and…

Me: (now slightly offended that my common sense is apparently in question) : well, Dr., this is a new product, and so really, how was I to KNOW that it would upset my female parts?

Dr. Wu: Oh, oh, it’s a product you are using?  (Apparently, he had been only part-way listening and had concluded that I was just shoving any ‘ol plug up in my tender bits).

Me: Yes, they are - 

Dr. Wu: What is the name of this product? (At this point, he turns his paper over and begins to scribble out some notes.)

Me: They are called Poise Impressa Bladder Supports, and they come in three sizes…

Dr. Wu: Oh, three sizes?  Hmmmmm…I have never heard of these. 

Me: Yes, they are brand new and they are being marketed as alternatives to adult pads and adult diapers, and I am pretty certain that this product has caused a bacterial infection.  

Long story short, after the Dr. and I work our way through some language barrier issues, an exam up in stirrups then ensues, a sample is taken and, indeed I have Bacterial Vaginosis. I looked at the Dr.  and said "I knew It!" all proud, as if I had won some sort of self-diagnosis lottery.  

Dr. Wu writes the script (the script that I had earlier hoped I could just get over the phone, because these infections are so common, like yeast infections.   No deal – anti-biotics are not yet OTC.

So – what’s next for me?

Kegals, B#tches. for. fucking. real.

No joke this time.  I gotta try to keep some things in-tact for as long as possible. 

I will report back later.

And just say NO to Poise Impressa. 

 

“Ode to a Paint Edger” – 01/06/16

To my dearest Paint Edger:

Wow.  Well.  If that wasn’t THE best $5.47 I have EVER spent!  And I know, I know, I lingered just a little too long in front of you and that $5.47 price tag, wondering if you would provide my labor with just enough extra *edge* to make that price tag worth it, I know I did.  And I regret that.  How could I have even thought, for one moment, the pleasure you provide, paint job after paint job, doesn't far outweigh your meager price tag?  But what can I say?  I am a woman who has a difficult time making meaningless decisions.  I’m so sorry. 

In my defense, I had never MEANT to purchase a paint edger on this particular trip to the hardware store, which was made in order to buy another shade of white, to cover the Simply White I purchased and put up on my walls yesterday.  It turns out that Simply White, is, simply way too white, and the finished effect makes me feel like there is some sort of emergency, somewhere close by, and that my daybed looks like a very functional hospital bed. 

So this time, I went with Cottage White, which was my first choice the first go-around on this project, before I talked myself out of that selection, thinking it looked too dingy.  Cottage White was competing with Atlantis Pearl White, which, according to the 12-year old Sun was a stupid name for a color, because “Atlantis didn’t have pearls, Mom,” finishing this declaration off with a look of utterly disgust, as if my being so stupid as not to know this factiod was far too painful for him to stomach with a straight face.  When I tried to reason with him by explaining that Atlantis was supposed to have been ”… a city surrounded by the ocean, so why wouldn’t it have had pearls?” his response was “Mom – Atlantis didn’t have pearls OK?!?”

So I went with the Cottage White and while I was waiting for the paint to be ready, I browsed the store, hoping that perhaps I would run into some clever type of lighting device (lighting is EVERTYHING) to supplement this most recent home improvement binge I was on.  

And then I saw you.  And I fondly recalled having a paint edger just like you many years ago, and then I wondered where the hell did that paint edger go?  OR - do I still have that edger and I can’t locate it?  In which case, since I’ve already purchased one just like you and couldn’t even keep track of that one, what makes me think I can keep track of YOU?!?  Or perhaps it's just the opposite of that, and because i have found and lost and now found again, I can truly value you for what you are!

But let's face it, Paint Edger, times are tough right now, what with decreasing income, and increasing expenses.  That $5.47, added to the additional $13 I am now having to spend because I chose the wrong fucking shade of white (of which there are hundreds, I might add), could be used in a more responsible way, couldn’t it? 

But then I fondly recall...how smooth the glide was, how straight the lines, how tight the corners, and – impulsively I thought at first, but no, this was well thought out – I grabbed you, never looking back.

 

Oh Paint Edger, I can’t even begin to tell you how much the precision by which you allow me to paint my lines upon these walls fills my heart with pure joy!  And though I can never touch your heart, because you don't have one, only by the touch of my hand upon your soft, supple, rubber handle, can you know the way you make me feel!  Your handle, with a grip so fine, so fine, as to allow my aging, shaky hands to produce such straight OCD edges!

uneven line

Paint Edger, do you remember the moment at which you bristles gave way underneath the angriness of the bumpy wall, producing an uneven line (see photo), and I hesitated for a moment - wanting to go back and fix it, but knowing that if I tried to fix it I would probably make it worse -

and then I heard your voice gently whisper into my ear:

“Never go back, go forward.” And then,

“There is no such thing as perfection, love”

Paint Edger, you remind me of myself, all the GOOD parts of myself.  I owe you a great debt of gratitude for showing me, reminding me, of who I AM, of who I COULD BE, and for keeping me on the straight and narrow, as you offer your life lessons up so willingly to me. 

Thank you, Paint Edger, for taking me to that edge, allowing me to peer over, and then reminding me that there really IS NO safety net in life. 

Until we meet again, your faithful servant in life (and beyond), 

-          maureen 

Finished Product - "Infinity Wall"