"NOOZ FLASH! NOOZ FLASH! NOOZ FLASH! Ritz Kracka morphs into an OREO Cookie!" 10/10/15

Today, during my weekly pilgrimage to the Grand Lake Farmer’s Market, I opened my big Riz Kracka MOUTH (when it was probably an opportune time to keep it SHUT), and I got called an “OREO COOKIE BITCH.”

"OREO COOKIE BITCH"

For those of you who are not familiar with the Oreo cookie as it refers to a PERSON, it is a person who is: black on the OUTSIDE and WHITE on the inside. 

It’s my fault, really.  You know when you are having one of those days when the NEXT m#thrfkr to say something sideways is going to CATCH it from you? Well, that’s exactly what happened.  

And I am not PROUD to admit that it was an older, black gentleman, likely living close to the skids, with whom I had this altercation.  Honestly, if it would have been a younger, larger white man, I would have QUITE POSSIBLY (most definitely) kept my trap SHUT.  But it wasn’t, and I didn’t.   

The altercation went something like this:

He (coming up to me as I am locking my bike): Miss, miss, are you a sister?

Me (pausing…thinking/reacting in my head “GODDAMIT!  Why does EVERYBODY feel the need to CLASSIFY ME???):  Would that make a difference to you?

He: Yes it would because…..

I start to walk away. Terrible move, for a number of reasons, all of which i am certain you are mentally listing at this moment. 

He: Hey! Whatchu’ doin’?  Don’t walk away from me!

Me (pissed off, but i feel as though i am somehow missing something, like an appendage, so I LOOK BACK and I now i have to GO BACK because I left my lawn chair strapped to my bike):  [managing something silly and flustered, like] Sir, you know that we are ALL actually brothers and sisters here, all of us here (gesturing with my arms, as i have now become quite expressive), so the fact that you are ASKING me whether i am a sister makes NO SENSE to me AT ALL!

I turn around and walk away again.  Two steps later – even MORE pissed off, because now i need to redeem myself for the silly little thing i said, and now I know that he is not going to do anything, because he would have by now, plus the fact that he is probably 10-15 years older, and in a pinch – I am CERTAIN i could take him in a foot-race) I say: 

“Because, sir, the reason you asked me in the FIRST place is because YOU weren’t SURE whether I was black or white.  And I really wouldn't think that aught to matter to you, given that YOU are asking ME for HELP!”  Then I turned on my heel and walked away a third time.  

He:  (yelling something, of which I caught bits and pieces amidst the fury) I was just ... by a WHITE WOMAN...from the KKK (i don't exactly remember what was said, but white woman and KKK were DEFINITELY in the mix) you OREO-COOKIE BITCH!”   

And that was that. 

Lesson learned? When it comes to being offended? Just don’t.  And don’t be a (sh)ero when you could just be an Oreo and leave it at that.  Oh, and also: don't make the most vulnerable among us the enemy.  

carry on.