VIP UPDATE VIP UPDATE VIP UPDATE on The Ritz Report’s FIRST EVER Product Review: Poise Impressa “Bladder Supports“ – 01/28/16

For those of you who missed my VERY EXCLUSIVE FIRST EVER Product Review on Poise Impressa Bladder Supports, I have an extremely important update you will not want to miss…especially if you were considering trying the supports on yourself.  I recommend that you don't.

"FLAGYL"

Please read on and discover how yours truly, in an act of selfless concern for today's humanity, donated the use of my very own body to science in a non-commercial-privately-funded trial of Poise Impressa Bladder supports.  It was - initially - a very exciting prospect - the idea that there could be a far, far better, sleeker option for bladder-leakeage sufferers, as compared to the current competitors on the market: pee pads and adult diapers. 

Two weeks after my trial ended, I am now nursing a case of Bacterial Vaginosis - with the super-antibiotic Flagyl...the likes of which i haven't seen since my college college days in the hot Arizona sun running competitive track and field in 120 degree heat - and spandex.

I knew something wasn’t quite right with my va-jay-jay after my trial with the bladder supports for a couple of reasons: I had some slight cramping, and then A couple of days later …there was that peculiar, yet very familiar, um. smell.   

You know the one, ladies!  Most of us have had this very common vaginal infection at some point in our lives, and those of you who have NEVER had it,  well then, you should be donating your body to science!  Briefly, bacterial vaginosis results from when you eff up the normal pH balance in your va-jeene.  This can be accomplished in a number of ways, tampons, sex, and apparently bladder supports.  Your va-jeene responds to this foreign object by trying to balance the *imbalance* by growing bad, smelly bacteria, that must be destroyed by powerful antibiotics, such as the tried, true and tested Flagyl.  Even the name *Flyagl* is gross because its name alludes to what the medicine is killing: the nasty, smelly bacterias,who have taken up residence in your tender bits…and they have little flagella - whip-like tails, that allow for mobility.  Ewwwwww.

So what did I do when i had the thought that - just maybe - i had upset the pH balance in my vagina just a wee bit?  Weeeeelllll, there was no discharge, there was no associated pain, I am not currently having *intimate relations* so yeah, i didn't put a rush on it.  Instead, i (temporarily) talked myself into the idea that perhaps it would *clear up* on its own, when i went on my yoga retreat (three days later) and got really, really healthy all of a sudden from all the great food!  Or perhaps, I was just freaking out and it wasn’t anything at all (that actually happened at my last annual exam, where I thought there was something, and it was nothing), or maybe it HAD cleared up that time. 

And then, first day in Mexico, my period arrives (lol god) and now,  here it is a week later and I have an actual date this afternoon, and i'm thinking…I gottta get this checked out!

So I go in today, and begin to tell Dr. Wu the story of Poise Impressa, and he interrupts me and says, “Just tell me when the smell started.”

Me: About two weeks ago, when I tried this new product…called “Poise Impressa Bladder Supports.” It looks like a big tampon that you put inside that rests against your bladder and stops leaks and…

Dr. Wu: Well, I mean now, common sense, you shouldn’t be using anything up there that may cause an imbalance and…

Me: (now slightly offended that my common sense is apparently in question) : well, Dr., this is a new product, and so really, how was I to KNOW that it would upset my female parts?

Dr. Wu: Oh, oh, it’s a product you are using?  (Apparently, he had been only part-way listening and had concluded that I was just shoving any ‘ol plug up in my tender bits).

Me: Yes, they are - 

Dr. Wu: What is the name of this product? (At this point, he turns his paper over and begins to scribble out some notes.)

Me: They are called Poise Impressa Bladder Supports, and they come in three sizes…

Dr. Wu: Oh, three sizes?  Hmmmmm…I have never heard of these. 

Me: Yes, they are brand new and they are being marketed as alternatives to adult pads and adult diapers, and I am pretty certain that this product has caused a bacterial infection.  

Long story short, after the Dr. and I work our way through some language barrier issues, an exam up in stirrups then ensues, a sample is taken and, indeed I have Bacterial Vaginosis. I looked at the Dr.  and said "I knew It!" all proud, as if I had won some sort of self-diagnosis lottery.  

Dr. Wu writes the script (the script that I had earlier hoped I could just get over the phone, because these infections are so common, like yeast infections.   No deal – anti-biotics are not yet OTC.

So – what’s next for me?

Kegals, B#tches. for. fucking. real.

No joke this time.  I gotta try to keep some things in-tact for as long as possible. 

I will report back later.

And just say NO to Poise Impressa. 

 

“Ode to a Paint Edger” – 01/06/16

To my dearest Paint Edger:

Wow.  Well.  If that wasn’t THE best $5.47 I have EVER spent!  And I know, I know, I lingered just a little too long in front of you and that $5.47 price tag, wondering if you would provide my labor with just enough extra *edge* to make that price tag worth it, I know I did.  And I regret that.  How could I have even thought, for one moment, the pleasure you provide, paint job after paint job, doesn't far outweigh your meager price tag?  But what can I say?  I am a woman who has a difficult time making meaningless decisions.  I’m so sorry. 

In my defense, I had never MEANT to purchase a paint edger on this particular trip to the hardware store, which was made in order to buy another shade of white, to cover the Simply White I purchased and put up on my walls yesterday.  It turns out that Simply White, is, simply way too white, and the finished effect makes me feel like there is some sort of emergency, somewhere close by, and that my daybed looks like a very functional hospital bed. 

So this time, I went with Cottage White, which was my first choice the first go-around on this project, before I talked myself out of that selection, thinking it looked too dingy.  Cottage White was competing with Atlantis Pearl White, which, according to the 12-year old Sun was a stupid name for a color, because “Atlantis didn’t have pearls, Mom,” finishing this declaration off with a look of utterly disgust, as if my being so stupid as not to know this factiod was far too painful for him to stomach with a straight face.  When I tried to reason with him by explaining that Atlantis was supposed to have been ”… a city surrounded by the ocean, so why wouldn’t it have had pearls?” his response was “Mom – Atlantis didn’t have pearls OK?!?”

So I went with the Cottage White and while I was waiting for the paint to be ready, I browsed the store, hoping that perhaps I would run into some clever type of lighting device (lighting is EVERTYHING) to supplement this most recent home improvement binge I was on.  

And then I saw you.  And I fondly recalled having a paint edger just like you many years ago, and then I wondered where the hell did that paint edger go?  OR - do I still have that edger and I can’t locate it?  In which case, since I’ve already purchased one just like you and couldn’t even keep track of that one, what makes me think I can keep track of YOU?!?  Or perhaps it's just the opposite of that, and because i have found and lost and now found again, I can truly value you for what you are!

But let's face it, Paint Edger, times are tough right now, what with decreasing income, and increasing expenses.  That $5.47, added to the additional $13 I am now having to spend because I chose the wrong fucking shade of white (of which there are hundreds, I might add), could be used in a more responsible way, couldn’t it? 

But then I fondly recall...how smooth the glide was, how straight the lines, how tight the corners, and – impulsively I thought at first, but no, this was well thought out – I grabbed you, never looking back.

 

Oh Paint Edger, I can’t even begin to tell you how much the precision by which you allow me to paint my lines upon these walls fills my heart with pure joy!  And though I can never touch your heart, because you don't have one, only by the touch of my hand upon your soft, supple, rubber handle, can you know the way you make me feel!  Your handle, with a grip so fine, so fine, as to allow my aging, shaky hands to produce such straight OCD edges!

uneven line

Paint Edger, do you remember the moment at which you bristles gave way underneath the angriness of the bumpy wall, producing an uneven line (see photo), and I hesitated for a moment - wanting to go back and fix it, but knowing that if I tried to fix it I would probably make it worse -

and then I heard your voice gently whisper into my ear:

“Never go back, go forward.” And then,

“There is no such thing as perfection, love”

Paint Edger, you remind me of myself, all the GOOD parts of myself.  I owe you a great debt of gratitude for showing me, reminding me, of who I AM, of who I COULD BE, and for keeping me on the straight and narrow, as you offer your life lessons up so willingly to me. 

Thank you, Paint Edger, for taking me to that edge, allowing me to peer over, and then reminding me that there really IS NO safety net in life. 

Until we meet again, your faithful servant in life (and beyond), 

-          maureen 

Finished Product - "Infinity Wall"

EXCLUSIVE: The Ritz Report’s FIRST EVER Product Review: Poise Impressa “Bladder Supports“ – 1/1/16

If you know me at all, and if you know me, well, then, that means that you really do know me – then you will know that I have developed a teensy-weensy- bladder “control” issue. 

Christ.  Let’s call the f@cker what it is…my body is on the decline and when I  cough or sneeze in rapid succession, or laugh, these days I (often) leak just a little bit.  And let’s face it – while we all have probably been the victim of somebody else's horrifying plumbing problem story, I promise you that my horrifying plumbing problem story will feature a brand new angle…something you have never, ever, heard or read about in a bladder-control story…until now, my friends.  And that’s because there is a brand-new product on the market, ladies (and gentleman who have ladies with bladder control issues).  And it’s called the Poise “Bladder Support“.  And because I feel a duty and obligation to my fellow female to aid in finding, at least some sort of TEMPORARY solution to this horrifying and unrelenting health issue, I have decided to subject my very body - in the name of science - to review this product, over a three day period, and pass on my results to you.  It’s just that important.   

 

POISE IMPRESSA Bladder Supports

Notice that this is a "Sizing Kit."

I have taken to wearing panty liners these days, on those occasions when I know I will be out, perhaps laughing a lot, or if I am sick, coughing and sneezing a lot.  And on other days, too.  Lots of other days.  So when I saw that there was an alternative product on the market (alternative to adult pee pads and adult diapers), you can imagine how my heart did soar!   Plus, they were on SALE, marked down from $7.99 to $4.99 (I later realized to get me ‘hooked’ of course) so how could I not try this new product?!?  Well, I couldn’t. 

Day #1:

8:00a.m.: The trial size packet I purchased comes with three different sizes: small, medium and large.  The instructions indicate to start with the small, and then move up if the leakage is not controlled.  When I opened the individual package for the size #1 support, I am surprised at how much LARGER the applicator is than the size of a *super* tampon applicator (see photo below). 

 

I am just a bit squeamish - nothing THIS size has been in my va-jay-jay for some time now…then again, there have been LARGER items in my va-ay-jay as well, plus babies come out of there, so I push aside those nasty voices of doubt, take a deep cleansing breath (I AM a yogi, after all) and insert.  Boom. No prob.

4:00 p.m.: I spend most of the day alone, which does not lend itself well to testing laughter out on this device.   However, I did sneeze a couple good times and...NO LEAKS.  I’m impressed!  Perhaps this is where the “Impressa” in the name comes from?  It’s kind of stupid, but whatever.  It's a bladder support device.  What more needs to be said, really?

5:00 p.m. I remember that the maximum number of hours that you are supposed to leave the support in  is 8 hours, so I go to remove the device, hoping to hell I haven’t exposed myself to Toxic Shock Syndrome, or some other new-fangled GMO-related, non-treatable, fatal illness. 

8:00 p.m.  With the device out (and now I decide what a great idea a product review would be!) I begin to write, and immediately, I start feeling minor twingy pains in the area of my uterus, sort of like when I am cramping.  Hmmm…is this because I am thinking about it?  Sort of like, maybe intensifying it because I am focused on it?  Either way, since this is only day #1, this does not bode well. 

Day #2:

6:00 a.m: I am a bit tentative about inserting another bladder support into my delicate parts this morning because of the minor twingy pains I had last night. 

8: 00 a.m.: I sneeze, leak, and all bets are off.

8:05 a.m.: I take the second  size #1, and slowly, ever -  so -  slowly insert the device.  Not wanting to push it up too far, I end up not inserting it far enough, and when I get up from the toilet, I can feel it, right on the outer edge of my delicate parts.  Dammit!  Now I have to remove and try again. (see photo for what product looks like fully opened).

8:07 a.m.: Since my trial size box only came with two of each size, I now need to insert a size #2, which is even MORE intimidating, although when I compare the size of the plastic applicators, they appear to be the same, so perhaps is just the actual support that’s slightly larger.

I take a few deep breaths, muster up all of my courage, and push that sucker UP and IN. SUCCESS!  Now, hopefully day #2 will bring the laughter that’s needed in order to really take this product for a test drive!

9:00 a.m.: Hmmm…. this is weird, I have to pee again, but I just peed when I inserted the device.  Is this fucking device giving me a urinary tract infection?!?  It better not be giving me a fucking urinary tract infection.

3:18 p.m. So far, no leaks, but no laughter either.  Depression starts to set in.  I am also starting to “feel” the device in the same way I “feel” a tampon when it has reached the end of its useful life.  I don’t register that perhaps it is, indeed at the end of its useful life (and perhaps this is why I feel it?) until later.

5:16 p.m. I sneeze, I leak, but it’s not a *full-on* leak, like without the stopper…it’s a more….subdued, gentle leak.  I look at my clock and see that it is 5:16 and the device was at the end of its useful life over an hour ago, so I remove it and ponder trying a #3 on the third and final day of my trial.

5:25 p.m. Dull ache in abdominal area after removal.  :o(

5:27 p.m. Read ENTIRE instructions on package, including the following:

-           

               Possible Side Effects:

o   Small blood spots on the product

o   Mild discomfort

o   Vaginal soreness

Vaginal soreness???  WTF??? What does that even mean, *vaginal soreness*???  I mean, that could mean a LOT of things, but really, the last time I remember saying “my vagina is sore” was to my mom when I was 5 years old and I had knocked my young, tender crotch against the bar on the jungle gym in our neighborhood park. I mean, *vaginal soreness* is  kind of…general, and vague, and - disconscerting!  It just covers a lot of ground, is what I'm trying to say.  But it may be worth it.  

Notes on removal: It is necessary to be a bit more…tender with the removal of the bladder support device than you may be with a tampon.  Given the shape of the device, if you become impatient and pull too hard too quickly, you are likely to remove several layers skin cells on the side-wall of your vagina.  The instructions DO warn there may be blood [spilled].

Day #3: Its Christmas Eve Day! And the third and final day of my trial for science and the advancement of bladder control devices for women.  The 12-year old Sun is due home today, so perhaps I will WAIT and insert the device later so that I am sure to get some laughs in. 

5:00p.m.: I never inserted the device.  We didn’t even really have a good laugh and nobody called me.  I may have gotten one text from AT & T noting that my GoPhone(TM) plan payment is coming due.  Wow...when did my life go so downhill so quick?!?  

 

Day #4: Its Christmas Day!

7:30a.m.: The child woke up bright and early to open gifts, so we do that, and by 7:45a.m. that is finished, and I go and insert the device. 

4:45p.m.('ish): Home from the movies.  Generally speaking, the day was uneventful.  No leaks.  The sh#t does work, despite some of the disadvantages I have noted during this trial.  Really I think it’s a matter of the lesser of two (or several) evils:  minor discomforts, or pee your pants, or wear adult diapers? Or just don’t go out? 

Or, it’s like “pain for beauty” right?!?  I mean we keep getting waxed F.F.S., even though that shit HURTS like a m#therf@cker, and I have personally vowed NEVER to go bald down there for ANYBODY, ever again, for a number of reasons. 

Same way with this: I may be willing to deal with the pain (if the product is not slowly killing me) if I can have the *beauty* of not wetting my pants.

Epilogue: Day #5: 12/26/15:

10:15a.m. I cough several times in a row . And leak.  I only have two size #3’s left.  I grab a #3 and insert.  Done deal.  What can I say?  I like not leaking.   Plus i have a coupon for $4.00 off my first box!

2:00: p.m. I head to the store to see how much a box of supports costs.  $15.00 for 10 supports??? Well gawd-DAMN, even though that is only $1.50 per day to stop leaks, it seems so….so….excessive!!!  So do tampons when I buy them, but those are not an option. 

I leave the store with no bladder supports, and now my life sucks even more because I have decided that I am not worth $1.50 per day price tag.

Epi-Epilogue: Day #5: 12/27/15

I am watching the Kardashians’ and Kim and her sisters are making fun of their mother’s bladder control issue (she’s damn near 60, you b#tches!).  Kim tells her mother “You smell like a pee pad.”

I dig the $4.00 coupon that came with my trial size packet, rush to the store and purchase a box of bladder supports.   

For special occasions only.  When I don’t want to smell like a pee pad.