OAKLAND'S BEAUTIFUL DRUM CIRCLE - 10/1/17

So if a video of today's drum circle near the pillars of Lake Merrit somehow manages to make its way onto the interwebs, and you see the beautiful dance circle inside the drum circle, made of up 5 beautiful women, of all varying shades of beautiful color....you can totally pick me out - as the dancer who is...just slightly off.  most of the time.  every once in a while I'M ON! and then...i'm off again.

And its not because I CAN'T dance.  Really, its not.  You should see me when i'm in my "element" i'm fierce, trust me.  I'm even developing my own style of dance called "Nefertiting" (after the Egyptian queen Nefertiti). Just ask the 14 year old son...he will vouch for me.

Actually, don't ask him.  He's not *fully sold* on this idea yet.  Right now he doesn't like it at all.

Let's just say...you could call me the classic case of the person who is (most) often found "dancing to the beat of my own drum."

me dancing "to the beat of my own drum".

me dancing to the "beat of my own drum" while my brother and sister look on, with obvious envy and jealousy. 

 

me dancing to "the beat of my own drum" while sibling gets increasingly jealous (or bored) and goes to read a book.

So let me now provide you with a little bit of context about why it was ME who was that lone dancer today, who just "couldn't quite get with the program" the other beautiful sisters were laying down: you see - I am more of a free-styler (you couldn't tell that from all of the preceding evidence i have provided, could you?) and THIS today was West African dance.  Which has a very specific style, with very specific moves and sequences. And rules.   I will try and paraphrase those rules for you now...of course, through my own personal lens, which obvs. has an impact on my interpretation of said rules, but what the hell, gotta start from somewhere.  For example, there is the traditional formation of all of the dancers in a moving circle, all of the dancers "falling in line" in beautiful formation, imitating the move that "the leader" is currently doing, whomever that leader may currently be.  Because i am pretty certain that the "leader" is supposed to trade off...like everyone is supposed to get a turn to pick a move.  Which sounds a lot like how we used to do it in elementary school.  Except in THIS case, it is important to know the basic styles/movements of West African dance.  And do them.  Which i don't.  Either one of those.  Perhaps some of the very basic ones, and i am better at the few i DO know when I get to pick and choose when my body does them.  But when someone ELSE is choosing when and how the moves are done, and for how long, and i am already a bit shaky (for various and layered reasons), well that's where things tend to get a bit dicey.  Especially when it's "my turn" to lead.   Or at least, when i "think" its my turn.  Today, there were several occasions when i thought it was "my turn" to lead, but nobody else followed me, so obviously i mis-judged that...over and over and over again.  And also because none of the moves i did were in anybody's lexicon of acceptable moves to have the group follow, i suppose.  Like i said, i am quite certain that those have already been decided in advance.

And then, smack dab in the middle of "i don't belong here right now", is the opportunity, in this particular West African dance tradition, there is a designated time and a place, for each dancer to shine all on her own..to do her "own thing."  One by one, each dancer makes their way to the center of the circle and gets her turn to show off her special dance to an appreciating audience of drummers and spectators (and by now that spectator circle has grown quite large).

So - you would naturally assume the that THIS PART wouldn't be a problem for me, right?  You would think that THIS PART would be the part that i was really looking forward to, after having had to endure the painful art of following the group through a series of moves that are not familiar to me.  

And if you would have thought that, you would have been wrong.  Because NOW, now that I have had my confidence shaken to its very core...there's not a snowballs chance in Hades (or any other extremely uncomfortable situation) that my body is just going to STOP listening to the myriad of  haywire signals my brain has been sending to it (yes i'm pretty much having an out-of-body experience at this point), and start listening to itself and just "do its own thing".  No way. No. Way.

In this sacred circle, somehow - i  have allowed myself to be taken out of my own groove, and am having a really difficult time getting the needle to stay steady, or to re-thread properly....so i can patch the whole and pull my pants back up.

And then finally, mercifully, the circle of dancers breaks up, setting all of us free to express ourselves however we choose, but i'm afraid today's damage has been done...in front of what was quite a substantial crowd, with several active cameras and videos recording this indigenous ritual of the drum circle.

Where the drummers inspire the dancers...but it's really the dancers inspiring the drum - imho. 

 So it's been catalogued, yeah.   

And as much as i know that when i enter the dance circle, I'm heading straight into the "belly of the beast" that beast being the public exposition all of my inner demons and insecurities about being "the worst" dancer in the room (which was often the case in my teens and 20's when i would go out dancing with my black girlfriends),  I still keep pushing myself to participate.  Just participate.  Because that's the only way i am ever going to learn.  That's the only way i'm gonna get to "belong", to feel like i belong, in that circle, with those other women.

And how i desperately "want" to belong to that circle...I want to show them that i, too, can play this game.  That i'm not some, some "interloper", or worse, some "imposter" in their game.  This, even as i remember the role i have played in this particular game all of my life.  And then, that added to the fact that i am just not a natural "follower".  That's probably why i am terrified of salsa dancing.   You reeeeeallllyyyy need to let go, trust, and learn how to follow.

Nor would i say that I am a natural "leader", though i have been told this before...mostly in school, where i tended to lead the pack in this type of easily-codified performance exercise.  I could outshine the *best* of them just by memorizing a few lines.  Then dumping those lines to make space for the the new ones.

I would say now that I prefer just to "do my own thing", which i can fairly guess is a product of the chameleon-like skill set i have developed living as a bi-racial person in an increasingly black and white world.  At least on its surface.

Bi-racial people are the perfect example of that common, old adage about life never being just "black and white", though it often appears as such.  It's shades of grey.  And, if you're paying close, close attention, ever-rich and colorful shades of gray...subtle shades, too.

So I will keep pushing myself up towards the edge of that dance circle - testing my strength, mustering all of my courage - knowing that all i ever have to do to belong is tap into the awareness that the fastest and most direct route to that place is in the letting go of, over and over and over again, the conscious effort of "getting there".

Because I'm already there, there, right?!?  Isn't this what I have been told/have read by some very smart ppl on a number of occasions?  Why the f#ck cant i seem to get this particular lesson?

I NEED ANSWERS, PPL!!!

I already belong.  And i also dance to the beat of my own drum.  And, as i continue to shed the idea that I will ever dance "as good as" her, or her, or him, it is THEN and ONLY THEN that I will truly find my own phenomenal dance.

I'm getting there.

Plus i need to take some West African dance classes.  Just being able to keep up would be nice.

update 10/2/17: i have just woken up at 5.m. the next morning thinking about all of the West African dances i didn't do yesterday. :o/