My name is Maureen. I am 45 years old, 46 on the 4th of May and I am your niece.
Your sister, my birth mother, and I have been in contact for over 10 years now. During a recent correspondence exchange, I asked if her family knew about me yet, or whether I was still a secret. She admitted that I was still a secret to them and that she didn't know why, it just happened that way. She said she felt badly about that, and asked me what I wanted her to do. I didn't respond. I had never been super-keen about the fact that my existence was a secret, but at the same time, I did not want to be the epicenter of any family drama, nor did I want to go through any sort of second "abandonment." We adoptees tend to have deep-seated issues - one of them being abandonment - and I didn't know how I would cope with any negative fallout from being revealed. Plus, I did not want to make the decision for her.
My adoptee friends reminded me that this was not MY secret; that it was her secret and that if I wanted to, I had every right to contact any of you at any time. Although I had run into a couple of you on Facebook over the years, it just didn't feel right to make contact without your sister's knowledge and/or blessing.
So fancy my surprise when I received an e-mail from my birth mother (your sister) saying that she had finally revealed her 46 year-old secret! A mixture of emotions, but mostly a pride in her that she had the courage to take that risk after all of these years! I don't know her very well, but my sense is that she strives to live her life with integrity, with a "do no harm" attitude towards all beings, and with a simplicity that brings joy from the little things. I am a bit like that too, though I admit that my carbon footprint is waaaaaaayyyy bigger than hers. I like to think that i give as much as i take, and am extremely proud of the mother I am to my son Tre.
I woke up this morning to friend requests from two of you, and I have to say, I don't know what to do. A little background: I consider myself to be one of the last Facebook "holdouts." I balked at the whole idea of social media for years, until finally, in 2011, during one of my deepest, darkest depressions, I decided to reach out digitally. And I am glad I did. All this to say, my "friends" list on the Book is rather small (I like to say intimate!), because I know each and every one of those folks - they are indeed my friends, digitally, and in real life.
And I don't know any of you. And you don't know me either, and sure, we are family, but as they say "you cant choose your family" and perhaps it will turn out that I am not someone you would "friend," which is OK with me. As my family and friends will attest, I am rather outspoken, and won't hesitate to share a raunchy, "controversial" or risque meme if it makes me laugh, or cry or think. I have fun with the Book, as I do on this blog, and don't want to feel that I have to censor myself so as not to offend my new family. So if I don't "friend" you right away, please don't take offense. It's not personal. How could it be?!
Dearest aunties, I am so glad you know I exist. And I hope that over the years, we can slowly become acquainted. And with four aunties, I must have tons and tons of cousins! In the meantime, give your sister (my birth mother) lots of love. She was very brave to make the decisions (both the relinquishment and the reveal) that she did and needs the support of her loved ones. As for moi, i have so much love and support in my life - and now I have even more.
xo
maureen
2 comments:
HI Maureen, Thanks for writing to us. My name is Marilyn, I am 60 years old, and I am your aunt! I have a 27-year old son, Russ, and a 25-year old daughter, Liz, your cousins. All told you have 7 cousins, but the details of all of them will have to wait for awhile.
It's been an emotional week for me. I try to describe how I feel to my sisters, and to others, and the best I word I can come up with is joyful. It's like when a new baby is born into the family, but you are not an infant, so it's kind of like a long-lost family member has been found. Except that we never knew you existed until a week ago. So it's a really hard feeling to put your finger on. I know that ever since Sandra showed us the pictures of you, and Tre (who is also beautiful by the way), I can't stop thinking about the two of you, and about Sandra at the time you were born, and over the years. Being a mother myself I can hardly fathom what it was like to have a daughter and not know anything about her for 36 years. Makes me want to start crying all over again. I can't tell you how grateful I am to you for finding her, and how grateful I am to her for telling us about you.
Like you, I am also outspoken (at times) but find myself a little less so as the years go by. And like you, I also like a raunchy joke. Must be a family trait. I like people who tell it like it is. I know some people find it hard to take, but for me, I like to know where I stand with people. It's just easier for me that way, than having to guess what it is someone is thinking.
So thank you again for your honest letter to us. I am with those who think you are brave for writing it. And although there is much more to say, it can wait, and more can be written over time. This is enough for now. Another one of my dominant traits is often an impatience for everything, to be able to know all, and do all at once. And it just can't be that way. So with any luck we will get to know each other better over time. Please know that I have this overwhelming urge to hug you across the miles. Hope to hear from you again soon.
Your loving aunt,
Marilyn
Ditto from me to all that Marilyn said. As you now know, I've chosen to respond privately, and I apologize for the length of that message but there was just so much to say. Please feel the love and hugs we are all longing to give you, and we will try hard to be patient as we get to know you little by little.
Aunt Linda
xoxoxoxoxoxo
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