The Report's First Art Installation

My mid-year “Word of the Year” review

I just know that there were more than a couple of you wise folks out there, who, upon discovering that I had taken on “authenticity” as my word of the year cringed just a wee bit.  You then felt an all-encompassing compassion for me and silently wished me the best.  Which is the same thing I would do if the tables were turned. 

The thing about putting out such a loaded, subjective, and impossible-to-achieve intention as “authenticity” is that, well, it’s daaaaangerous waters.   Because a funny thing happens when one decides to claim something as bold and rare as authenticity: people really begin to listen (I mean, who doesn’t want to be their authentic selves – ALWAYS - without having to overthink it…which, of course is the OPPOSITE of authenticity).

And, not only do people begin to listen, but they also begin to project.  That is to say, they project their own inauthenticity onto you because they are now questioning their own.  So what I have invited into my life is a reflection of my own behavior in the behavior of others.  And with that, there are multitude of images staring back at me, images that don’t belong to me, but it is difficult for me to sort out those energies that I am responsible for and those I am not. 

The point is, I did not realize what a massive undertaking this WOTY (word of the year) would be – perhaps had I known, I would have chosen another word.  But the thing about the WOTY is this: IT CHOOSES YOU, for better or worse, so your WOTY is no mistake.  And, to be fair to my word, I have indeed learned a lot this year, most importantly about the ways in which the ego can easily slip-slide into inauthenticity, disguised as something else.  I have also learned some new ways to recognize when this is happening so I can decide whether I am gonna DO something about it - or whether I can do something about it – or whether…just maybe…the inauthenticity I am feeling is not my own. 

It’s a tricky business, this getting to “know thyself.”  And since I still have over 6 months left on this word before it expires, I best just buckle up, remember to breathe, and pray. 

L’chaim!

xo

maureen

 

F.E.A.R.

False Evidence Appearing Real?  I think not. 

And that has become a very popular internet meme as of late and whenever I see it, it bothers me ever so slightly…like the feeling you get when someone is trying to sell you something for no other reason than to further their own agenda.  I am very familiar with that particular feeling and can feel it from great distances. 

  

False Evidence Appearing Real.  First of all, this acronym is waaaaaaay to simplistic when it comes to my experience of fear.  There are many reasons why I feel fear.  Most often, I will experience fear when I feel or perceive that something or someone is threatening me.  Certainly some of the fear I experience is unfounded, exaggerated for one reason or another, and, if not checked and dealt with quickly, can tend to grow into something super-difficult to dismantle, like paranoia.  But in many other ways, my experience of fear is real, it is necessary, and it can work in my favor.   If I am able to hold tight, nailed to the spot, I receive the gift of courage.  And I really think that courage begets courage.   

I am back into the book “When Things Fall Apart,” by Pema Chodron.  This is one of my go-to books, so please don’t worry too much about my state of be-ing just because its in my repertoire at the moment.  Things are not actually “falling apart” around me, at least not in a way that I feel I cannot manage.  I have just found this lovely gem of a book to be extremely helpful when I find myself in particularly challenging times. 

A few passages from the first chapter titled “Intimacy with Fear:”

"Fear is a universal experience….It’s not a terrible thing that we feel fear when faced with the unknown.  It is part of being alive, something we all share...Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth."

"What we’re talking about is getting to know fear, becoming familiar with fear, looking it right in the eye – not was a way to solve problems, but as a complete undoing of old ways of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and thinking.  The truth is that when we really begin to do this, we’re going to be continually humbled.  There’s not going to be much room for the arrogance that holding on to ideals can bring.  The arrogance that inevitably does arise is going to be continually shot down by our own courage to step forward a little further."

-     (from a student) “Buddha nature, cleverly disguised as fear, kicks our ass into being receptive.”

So perhaps fear is kind of like stress – a little bit of it is actually helpful and helps you grow in ways you might not have otherwise.  Too much fear can be harmful….very, very harmful.  Believe me – I know.  I gots stories, lots n lots of stories…

False Evidence Appearing Real.  Perhaps there is a truth to this at the most essential level of my be-ing.  I have heard (or read) that no-thing “real” can ever be destroyed.  And it is true that my essence – pure energy – can neither be created nor destroyed.  In my daily walks through life though, in this-here body on this-here third dimension, my feelings of fear are as real and as worthy of my attention, respect and inquiry as my feelings of love.  

“Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over again to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.”

             - Pema Chodron

 

THE GUEST HOUSE

THE GUEST HOUSE
	This being human is a guest house.
	Every morning a new arrival.
	A joy, a depression, a meanness,
	some momentary awareness comes
	as an unexpected visitor.
	Welcome and entertain them all!
	Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
	who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,
	still, treat each guest honorably.
	He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
	The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
	meet them at the door laughing,
	and invite them in.
	Be grateful for whatever comes,
	because each has been sent
	as a guide from beyond. -Rumi

My latest, spectacular "Fall from Grace"

The higher you are, the further the fall…

And this is the problem with being put on a pedestal.  It is inevitable that you are going to slip up, that you are going to do or say or think something that runs counter to your own code of moral “ethics.”  Whenever I think I know that I am most definitely “right,” I know I have fallen into that ego trap.  

I like to think of myself as a being of compassion – and there is nothing wrong with that, really.  It only becomes an issue when I hop on my trusty duality train and ride it into the bleak, unforgiving terrain of black and white, good/bad, good evil.  Yes it is true, I am a being of compassion, but more than that, I am, in a word….being.  And being manifests itself in all different kinds of ways, some we like, some we don’t like…all of them subject to our judgment: good feeling or bad feeling.  And we are programmed to deny (as parts of us), the manifestations that leave us feeling “bad.”  Because we are conditioned to believe that these parts are not OK.   And we resist, and we resist, and we resist, and guess what: what we resists, persists.  

I fell from grace.  HARD.  REAL. HARD.  I still may have a ways to go.  And, dammit!  Just when I thought I had my shit all figured out, just when I was really confident of my own inner beauty, this mirror called life reflected back to me my own inner ugly, if only to remind me that I cannot have one without the other.  And I turned away in disgust - no, that’s not me.  Couldn’t be me.  And ultimately, it’s not ME in the sense of I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN ACT LIKE AN ASSHAT.  It’s just me in the sense that I have the potential, as everyone does, to act like an asshat.  I played the “mean girl,” that girl who says that certain backhanded comment, or gives you that certain “look.”  You know the look.  It has a whole lot to say, and leaves you feeling some typa way: inside-out, upside-down, backwards, wrong.    

I feel this life moving faster and faster and faster as the days go by.  For a while, my strategy was to deliberately move forward in my life slower, so that perhaps the world would decide what a good idea that was and slow down right along with me.  And I still use this strategy from time to time, when I can and when I remember.  It’s not effective all of the time. 

And because things just keep moving faster and faster and faster, sometimes it feels like I have almost instant karma, which is great in some ways, but in other ways, it sucks!  When there is, eventually, only YOU to be accountable to, the stakes is high and there is nowhere to run.  

The Buddha says:

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”

I am sitting with this, sitting with the pain and anguish that comes with doing something that runs counter to who I am and what I want to stand for, and I am struggling to stay in the narrow space of acknowledging my mistakes without beating myself about the head with them.  This is a challenge - my inner critic happens to be a real motherf*cker.   The last time I fell this hard, I could not stay in that narrow space and ended up falling into a deep vortex of hopelessness, despair and depression.  I would like not to go there again. 

And so, if you see me, do me a favor and remind me, gently, that I AM NOT my fuck-ups.  Remind me, gently, that acknowledging a fuck-up is the first step towards doing something different next time.  And, above all, please remind me that no matter WHAT manifests WHEN or WHERE, you see ME. 

Kind thoughts, peaceful words, and a strong heart.