EXCLUSIVE: The Ritz Report’s FIRST EVER Product Review: Poise Impressa “Bladder Supports“ – 1/1/16

If you know me at all, and if you know me, well, then, that means that you really do know me – then you will know that I have developed a teensy-weensy- bladder “control” issue. 

Christ.  Let’s call the f@cker what it is…my body is on the decline and when I  cough or sneeze in rapid succession, or laugh, these days I (often) leak just a little bit.  And let’s face it – while we all have probably been the victim of somebody else's horrifying plumbing problem story, I promise you that my horrifying plumbing problem story will feature a brand new angle…something you have never, ever, heard or read about in a bladder-control story…until now, my friends.  And that’s because there is a brand-new product on the market, ladies (and gentleman who have ladies with bladder control issues).  And it’s called the Poise “Bladder Support“.  And because I feel a duty and obligation to my fellow female to aid in finding, at least some sort of TEMPORARY solution to this horrifying and unrelenting health issue, I have decided to subject my very body - in the name of science - to review this product, over a three day period, and pass on my results to you.  It’s just that important.   

 

POISE IMPRESSA Bladder Supports

Notice that this is a "Sizing Kit."

I have taken to wearing panty liners these days, on those occasions when I know I will be out, perhaps laughing a lot, or if I am sick, coughing and sneezing a lot.  And on other days, too.  Lots of other days.  So when I saw that there was an alternative product on the market (alternative to adult pee pads and adult diapers), you can imagine how my heart did soar!   Plus, they were on SALE, marked down from $7.99 to $4.99 (I later realized to get me ‘hooked’ of course) so how could I not try this new product?!?  Well, I couldn’t. 

Day #1:

8:00a.m.: The trial size packet I purchased comes with three different sizes: small, medium and large.  The instructions indicate to start with the small, and then move up if the leakage is not controlled.  When I opened the individual package for the size #1 support, I am surprised at how much LARGER the applicator is than the size of a *super* tampon applicator (see photo below). 

 

I am just a bit squeamish - nothing THIS size has been in my va-jay-jay for some time now…then again, there have been LARGER items in my va-ay-jay as well, plus babies come out of there, so I push aside those nasty voices of doubt, take a deep cleansing breath (I AM a yogi, after all) and insert.  Boom. No prob.

4:00 p.m.: I spend most of the day alone, which does not lend itself well to testing laughter out on this device.   However, I did sneeze a couple good times and...NO LEAKS.  I’m impressed!  Perhaps this is where the “Impressa” in the name comes from?  It’s kind of stupid, but whatever.  It's a bladder support device.  What more needs to be said, really?

5:00 p.m. I remember that the maximum number of hours that you are supposed to leave the support in  is 8 hours, so I go to remove the device, hoping to hell I haven’t exposed myself to Toxic Shock Syndrome, or some other new-fangled GMO-related, non-treatable, fatal illness. 

8:00 p.m.  With the device out (and now I decide what a great idea a product review would be!) I begin to write, and immediately, I start feeling minor twingy pains in the area of my uterus, sort of like when I am cramping.  Hmmm…is this because I am thinking about it?  Sort of like, maybe intensifying it because I am focused on it?  Either way, since this is only day #1, this does not bode well. 

Day #2:

6:00 a.m: I am a bit tentative about inserting another bladder support into my delicate parts this morning because of the minor twingy pains I had last night. 

8: 00 a.m.: I sneeze, leak, and all bets are off.

8:05 a.m.: I take the second  size #1, and slowly, ever -  so -  slowly insert the device.  Not wanting to push it up too far, I end up not inserting it far enough, and when I get up from the toilet, I can feel it, right on the outer edge of my delicate parts.  Dammit!  Now I have to remove and try again. (see photo for what product looks like fully opened).

8:07 a.m.: Since my trial size box only came with two of each size, I now need to insert a size #2, which is even MORE intimidating, although when I compare the size of the plastic applicators, they appear to be the same, so perhaps is just the actual support that’s slightly larger.

I take a few deep breaths, muster up all of my courage, and push that sucker UP and IN. SUCCESS!  Now, hopefully day #2 will bring the laughter that’s needed in order to really take this product for a test drive!

9:00 a.m.: Hmmm…. this is weird, I have to pee again, but I just peed when I inserted the device.  Is this fucking device giving me a urinary tract infection?!?  It better not be giving me a fucking urinary tract infection.

3:18 p.m. So far, no leaks, but no laughter either.  Depression starts to set in.  I am also starting to “feel” the device in the same way I “feel” a tampon when it has reached the end of its useful life.  I don’t register that perhaps it is, indeed at the end of its useful life (and perhaps this is why I feel it?) until later.

5:16 p.m. I sneeze, I leak, but it’s not a *full-on* leak, like without the stopper…it’s a more….subdued, gentle leak.  I look at my clock and see that it is 5:16 and the device was at the end of its useful life over an hour ago, so I remove it and ponder trying a #3 on the third and final day of my trial.

5:25 p.m. Dull ache in abdominal area after removal.  :o(

5:27 p.m. Read ENTIRE instructions on package, including the following:

-           

               Possible Side Effects:

o   Small blood spots on the product

o   Mild discomfort

o   Vaginal soreness

Vaginal soreness???  WTF??? What does that even mean, *vaginal soreness*???  I mean, that could mean a LOT of things, but really, the last time I remember saying “my vagina is sore” was to my mom when I was 5 years old and I had knocked my young, tender crotch against the bar on the jungle gym in our neighborhood park. I mean, *vaginal soreness* is  kind of…general, and vague, and - disconscerting!  It just covers a lot of ground, is what I'm trying to say.  But it may be worth it.  

Notes on removal: It is necessary to be a bit more…tender with the removal of the bladder support device than you may be with a tampon.  Given the shape of the device, if you become impatient and pull too hard too quickly, you are likely to remove several layers skin cells on the side-wall of your vagina.  The instructions DO warn there may be blood [spilled].

Day #3: Its Christmas Eve Day! And the third and final day of my trial for science and the advancement of bladder control devices for women.  The 12-year old Sun is due home today, so perhaps I will WAIT and insert the device later so that I am sure to get some laughs in. 

5:00p.m.: I never inserted the device.  We didn’t even really have a good laugh and nobody called me.  I may have gotten one text from AT & T noting that my GoPhone(TM) plan payment is coming due.  Wow...when did my life go so downhill so quick?!?  

 

Day #4: Its Christmas Day!

7:30a.m.: The child woke up bright and early to open gifts, so we do that, and by 7:45a.m. that is finished, and I go and insert the device. 

4:45p.m.('ish): Home from the movies.  Generally speaking, the day was uneventful.  No leaks.  The sh#t does work, despite some of the disadvantages I have noted during this trial.  Really I think it’s a matter of the lesser of two (or several) evils:  minor discomforts, or pee your pants, or wear adult diapers? Or just don’t go out? 

Or, it’s like “pain for beauty” right?!?  I mean we keep getting waxed F.F.S., even though that shit HURTS like a m#therf@cker, and I have personally vowed NEVER to go bald down there for ANYBODY, ever again, for a number of reasons. 

Same way with this: I may be willing to deal with the pain (if the product is not slowly killing me) if I can have the *beauty* of not wetting my pants.

Epilogue: Day #5: 12/26/15:

10:15a.m. I cough several times in a row . And leak.  I only have two size #3’s left.  I grab a #3 and insert.  Done deal.  What can I say?  I like not leaking.   Plus i have a coupon for $4.00 off my first box!

2:00: p.m. I head to the store to see how much a box of supports costs.  $15.00 for 10 supports??? Well gawd-DAMN, even though that is only $1.50 per day to stop leaks, it seems so….so….excessive!!!  So do tampons when I buy them, but those are not an option. 

I leave the store with no bladder supports, and now my life sucks even more because I have decided that I am not worth $1.50 per day price tag.

Epi-Epilogue: Day #5: 12/27/15

I am watching the Kardashians’ and Kim and her sisters are making fun of their mother’s bladder control issue (she’s damn near 60, you b#tches!).  Kim tells her mother “You smell like a pee pad.”

I dig the $4.00 coupon that came with my trial size packet, rush to the store and purchase a box of bladder supports.   

For special occasions only.  When I don’t want to smell like a pee pad.