WTF is WRONG with you (young) people?!?

I began this piece starting with the title (after receiving a particularly distasteful text from a potential suitor), in which "you people" referred specifically to men, and even more specifically, to those men who don't seem to have a very firm grasp on appropriate and inappropriate courtship rituals.  But after talking with a good friend about the incident and hearing her perspective that men are doing the things they are doing because women are responding to them, it occurred to me that perhaps it's the whole entire younger generation that has gone stark-raving looney-tunes when it comes to courtship, turning our modern day dating scene into a vast wasteland of over-promised debauchery and under-delivered authenticity. 

The other day, I was quietly recovering from septum repair surgery, with ample time to peruse the various dating apps, and I ran into a lovely looking young man, 33 tinder/tender years of age.  For the record, I had finally taken that gigantic leap of faith into lying about my age – actually since turning 49 less than a month ago, because it really does seems as though the field of potential online mates thins rather rapidly in your late 40's.  I had been experiencing this thinning out since turning 47, freshly back on the single scene, and slowly coming to the depressing realization that I had, rather abruptly (to me, at least) become “older woman” age on dating sites.  

 

Anyway, the only reason I lied was to be able to have a fighting chance to connect with a potential someone whom I could then inform of my actual age, and the reason for my slight deception. 

Which I had almost the immediate opportunity to do when, after slashing 10 years off my age, I went Tinder-fishing and caught two eager fish with my brand-new 39 year old profile! 

When I confessed my deception to suitor #1, he was quick to inform me that “At least 70% of ppl. lie about their age on dating apps, and I knew you were in your 40’s anyway.” 

To which I responded, “Well that’s not the most flattering thing to say to a woman…that you look OLDER than the age you are representing yourself to be.”  To which he replied, “I'm sorry, I hope I didn’t offend you…” To which I replied, “You didn’t offend me, I’m just noting here for you that it’s not very flattering.”  To which he did reply, but I didn’t answer quickly enough, because during my lull, he unmatched me.

And, after dispatching with this folly fairly quickly, another match appeared, and I immediately informed him of my age, which he indicated was not a problem for him.  He also told me that he lived in Davis and was in town visiting friends, and that he was thinking about moving to either the east bay or San Diego.

Seems harmless, I thought.  At the worst, we connect and don’t vibe at all; at best, I meet the love of my life, who just happens to live in Davis right now, but would move to the Bay if given the right incentive (me).  So, off we went, making plans about meeting up:

Me: I can meet as early as Friday, so when will u be in Oakland again?

He: I’m leaving today.  I was going to delay if you wanted to meet later.

(I think here is the moment I sensed things were veering in an unintended direction…)

He: I was planning on leaving tonight at 8 but if you want to meet for a bit, I will leave at 10 instead.

(me lying in bed with my head propped up with three pillows to reduce swelling and splints stuck up my nostrils)

And he went on:

He: I can tell you all about me in person and get to know you.  If you are in my area, we can meet in Davis next time.  

(me thinking why the f#ck would I be in Davis?!?) 

And then suddenly, out of nowhere:

He: I want to kiss you and your neck down slowly to your body and kiss your body (sic).  Then pick you up and lay you down in the bed and lift your left leg and kiss you from the ankle down to your wet pussy

Quickly followed up by:

He: Oops, probably too much.  Not sure if you like it? (winky smiley face) ha-ha. 

I literally caught myself pulling the phone away from my face, and looking at it, in sheer HORROR, as if the phone itself had just assaulted me.  

I mean… how did he mistake me for a hooker?!?

Or seriously, is THIS how the kids are picking people up these days? I mean, I guess it’s perfectly acceptable now (perhaps even desirable) to suggest different sexual positions, as a warm up for the first date?!?  Weird. Just. Weird.  

Either way, I’m just not willing to go there. 

Update one week later: I am switching my age back to 49.  Not only has the activity slowed down to a trickle, but I realize the likelihood of exposing myself to bad pornography increases, the younger I go.  Perhaps this age will catch me some classiness.  

A girl can dream.