Am I ready to Get...MARRIED?!? - 12/23/2014

So I found myself shopping for a wedding ring the other day.  Yes, you read that right - 'a' wedding ring.  As in one.  Turns out that i asked myself to marry me!  OMG!!!

And the initial answer was a resounding:

"Yes!  Oh YES!  I thought you would NEVER ask!!!"

But I think that was the idea of a beautiful ring talking.  Because as I was in the store trying on these beautiful rings, I found myself thinking:

"You mean like, Forever Ever, Forever Ever??? 

And i started getting cold feet.

This is not the ring.  This is the engagement ring i purchased a couple of years back when i was feeling super-good and in the relationship of a lifetime!  He ended up believing me to be the Devil Incarnate.

Because THIS is exactly what that marriage commitment thing is all about, isn't it?!   This is where the rubber meets the road, this is what separates the wheat from the chaff, where the shit.gets.real.  It's about being there for me and staying there for me and not leaving me when the going gets tough.  I mean, truth be told, the person whom I have abandoned MOST in my life is...yeP.  me. 

And i see marriage as a vow to stay.  When i am feeling super-good about life and everything/(most) everyone in it, its easy to stay!  I stay and stay and (over)stay, and soak in all of that goodness.  And when things get tough and complicated and a bit messy, like most recently when a client fired me.  Fired.  For the first time in my life.  Well, like a well-programmed computer, my initial reaction was to chastise ME.  Once I was level-headed enough to process the thing all the way through, I realized the relationship was not a good fit for either of us.  And what a relief to be out of a really icky relationship!

Or when you tell your colorist that you want a certain color of blue and she points out the correct color, but then for some god-forsaken reason, you end up with day-glo blue hair.  My day-to-day challenge right now is to look at myself in the mirror - stay - and very gently remind myself that i am most certainly NOT my ridiculously colored hair.  

And when i can stay long enough to see the feeling all the way though, sometimes, a wave of relief and freedom opens up in front of me.  or - a wave of chocolate.

So.  Am I ready to be married?  Again?  Or perhaps the question is:  

Am I finally ready for the Marriage of a Lifetime?

stand by.